Fifty Shades of Grey – a lust story

I think most readers know the bare bones of this book and its main characters – supposedly written as fanfic based on the Twilight books (never read them, and don’t intend to), and was eventually picked up by a big publishing house. I could have sworn big publishing houses had things called editors, but the version I read was filled with geographical errors (more on that later), along with endless repetition (I was ready to kill that “inner goddess” just to shut her up). I’ve noticed some reviewers comment on British-isms being used, but I really didn’t pick up much on the Kindle version I got from my library.

Anastasia (Ana) is a young college student in Vancouver Washington who meets Seattle billionaire Christian Grey during an interview for the school paper. Why sophisticated Grey is hot for clumsy Ana (she falls right into his office), is a mystery, but he’s hot for her and she’s not exactly unwilling – but Christian has a dark side and first she’s got to sign a lengthy contract agreeing to his terms and conditions.

15.21 The Submissive shall accept whippings, floggings, spankings, canings, paddlings, or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, inquiry, or complaint.

This is what’s being published and promoted as romance? Ana and Christian have SEX (with the emphasis on the “F” word), they do not make love. Supposedly there’s a dark secret from Christian’s past that has brought about his sexual tastes and controlling nature, but that is still no excuse for abusing others. Erotica is a genre I don’t typically read, but all the online chatter got me curious, and since the library had copies on kindle I just couldn’t resist taking a look when my turn came up, especially because of the Seattle setting – my hometown. It’s always fun to see how the locale is portrayed by those who’ve never been here. How did James do? You be the judge.

Written in the first person narrative, the story begins as Ana tells us about her big day heading to Seattle from Vancouver to interview the mysterious Christian Grey:

ROADS ARE CLEAR as I set off from Vancouver, Washington, toward Interstate 5.

First off, no one but no one says “Interstate 5″. It’s I-5. Second, if someone is driving from the Portland/Vancouver area the only practical route is I-5, so it isn’t necessary to mention the road one is travelling on – just tell the inner goddess that you’re hopping on the freeway. Jeez (another word Ana uses to death).

Beyond that, there is a floor-to-ceiling window with a view of the Seattle skyline that looks out through the city toward the Sound. It’s a stunning vista, and I’m momentarily paralyzed by the view. Wow.

So, look up skyline in the dictionary and/or images of the Seattle skyline (here’s a cool spot to see what it looks like from the Columbia Tower). Just how do you think you are going to see that from the window of one of many tall buildings in the downtown core? I’m sure Grey had a lovely view of Mount Rainier or Puget Sound and the Olympic range, but the skyline? I think not.

Now we have Ana leaving Seattle after her interview with Grey:

AS I LEAVE THE city limits behind…While cruising toward Interstate 5…

Ummm, I-5 (not Interstate 5) runs right through the city. While is it possible to get out of the city limits heading south on secondary roads, it’s not very practical time-wise and those not familiar with the industrial/port area would be hopelessly lost. One would get on I-5 (not Interstate 5) right from downtown, and trust me, one does not “cruise” in downtown. One sits at one red light after another trying to negotiate turns after the hordes of pedestrians have cleared the sidewalks.

I can’t remember the address. It’s in the Pike Market District.

Sigh. That would be Pike Place Market.

Portland disappears in front of us as we head into U.S. airspace.

Portland, Oregon has a different airspace than the rest of the country?

I think we’re moving from Portland’s airspace to Seattle International Airport’s.

It is simply Sea-Tac. Everyone knows it’s an airport and everyone knows it’s an effing international airport. I’m not even going to touch on flying the helicopter amidst the downtown skyscrapers…

We speed up Interstate 5…as Taylor whisks us into the night toward Bellevue.

Grey’s condo is supposedly in the Belltown neighborhood of Seattle. Google maps and see which direction on I-5 (not Interstate 5) you need to drive to catch I-90 to Bellevue.

In the end, this was definitely not the book for me. I don’t mind a bit of sex, although I’m in the less is more camp, but I prefer it when there’s some real love and chemistry between a pair and not just sex for sex’s sake. Top that off with one of the most annoying narrators ever (seriously, she talked like a young, vapid teenager and not a college grad), I really can’t find much of anything good to say about this. Except that at times it was so bad it was funny 😀

A Wild Night’s Bride by Victoria Vane

Phoebe Scott (AKA Kitty Willis) is a struggling actress hoping for a shot at the big time, but to do that she pretty much needs to find herself a wealthy lover man to sponsor her. To make a long story short, a scantily dressed Phoebe attends a seriously decadent party where she meets Sir Edward (Ned) Chambers. Ned is still grieving the death of his beloved first wife, but his bosom buddy Viscount Ludovic DeVere is doing his darndest to get Ned to take a walk on the wild side…

Anyhoo, one thing leads to another and in trying to one up each other DeVere makes this wild bet and all three find themselves in quite a pickle.

May the same God save me…for I’m going to be hung, drawn, and quartered for spending last night rutting in the King of England’s bed!

Mind you, that quote is from the prologue so I’m not spoiling. All the fun is in finding how they got there and how in the h*** they are going to get out in one piece.

You have an impressive scepter, my liege…Do you wish me to pay full and proper obeisance to my king?”

“Dear God, yes.

Erotica is not a genre that I normally read, but I’m willing to go outside my comfort zone if it comes with a good story in a realistic historical setting (no wall-paper for this reader) – and A Wild Night’s Bride fits the bill. I laughed my arse off the entire time, and Ned and Phoebe sure can steam up the pages. I am very much looking forward to reading the rest of the novellas centered around that devil DeVere (series order from Goodreads here). 4/5 stars.

FTC? An Amazon verified purchase.

A Breach of Promise by Victoria Vane

Lydia Trent is at first thrilled to find herself engaged to Marcus, Lord Russell, and they share some hot and heavy breathing on the night of their engagement, but then he high tails it off to work overseas. One year becomes two, then three and finally it’s been six years and Lady Lydia wants to void the marriage contract, dump her fiancé and move on with life – but Marcus isn’t about to let go.

If I am freed, my life will become a purgatory of simpering debutantes.”

That sounds like a fate worse than death. Marcus returns home to claim his bride, but Lydia isn’t too willing and he determines to seduce her into acceptance – and if that doesn’t work he’ll ruin her!

Full disclosure, erotica is not a genre I’ve read and while I knew full well going into this what to expect I wasn’t sure if I’d like it or not, but I was pleasantly surprised. First off we get a Georgian setting instead of the ubiquitous Regency (they are so old). Second, we get a story with characters that are not just wall-paper window dressing. Third, we get a heroine that not only isn’t TSTL (too stupid to live), she’s not one with 21C morals and mindsets. Thank you Ms. Vane for not insulting the reader’s intelligence.

All in all, this novella was a quick, entertaining and seriously steamy read. I hope to see more from Ms. Vane in the future. 4/5 stars.

FTC disclosure, a copy obtained via Kindle loan.

Bound by Honor by Colette Gale

“An Erotic Novel of Maid Marian”. OK, so Erotica is not a genre I read but after seeing this post at A Reader’s Respite and since I’m such a nut for the medieval period and seeing as the library had it I just had to have a look-see for my self. In this spin on the old Robin Hood legend, Marian is no “maid” but a widow. The Lionheart is off on crusade and an aging Eleanor fears John is up to no good plotting with the French King and she sends Marian to his court to spy out the truth and report back. Once there, she meets up with two old friends from her childhood, William de Wendeval (now Sheriff of Nottingham) and Robin of Locksley who is now known as Robin of the Hood and very much a wanted man. Marian soon finds herself torn between her two old friends and she’s surprised to find herself more attracted to the dark, brooding Will as she is to the dashing, flirtatious Robin.

Now since this is an erotic novel, John’s court is quite a licentious one and Marian is caught right up in the swirl of it all, starting off with she and Will watching John being orally pleasured by one woman as he watches two other women doing the nasty with each other on a nearby bed. Never fear though it gets even worse,

 “She drank more, and John’s tongue thrust through the curtain of her hair, into the depth of her ear in a parody of the activity before them.”

I’ll spare you the details of the strip-chess game on a *live* chessboard (you do not want to know). Then there comes the night when John sends out special invites to certain ladies of the court for a special evening in his “Pleasure Palace”.

“The other ladies and maidservants had already been arranged in similarly provocative positions throughout the room. They were indeed a garden of living statues.”

You should have seen the poses John gives his “living statues” (I was howling by this time) and worse yet the fate of the one who moves first and loses the contest (you do not want to know). Our poor heroine was paired up with another lady who couldn’t resist…erm…taking advantage of the situation to set Marian’s passions afire (no, I am not kidding). Although finally our heroine remembers she’s there to spy and whilst the men are distracted during their orgy with the now live statues, she manages to snoop for written evidence (note: she is still nude whilst searching the other side of John’s room).

And after the big archery contest John’s arranges a little surprise at the dinner table for our heroine (a 12C dinner with potatoes on the menu!)

“But now hands were lifting her skirts. Warm fingers eased up along her hose-encased legs gently, so gently they tickled her sensitive flesh, prickling the skin beneath the thin fabric…”

Oh. My. God.  But never fear, our intrepid heroine can keep her composure above table no matter what assaults she faces 😉

In the end it was an OK story with an interesting twist on the Marian/Sheriff/Robin relationships (get your mind out of the gutters I am NOT  talking about a three-way), but unfortunately the bizarre sex was just too OTT for this reader to take too seriously.  The writing is not bad, but the repetition got a bit old after a while. I needed a scorecard to track how many times “quim” and “little pip” were used, but I’d say it was about on par with PG’s use of Melusine in The White Queen and got old very very fast. As for all that sex? Frankly it was all rather cold and clinical with little chemistry between the players at all.  Library only – although Klausner gave it five so perhaps it’s just me. 2/5 stars.

BTW, this author has two other erotica books. One is a spin-off of the Count of Monte Cristo and the other the Phantom of the Opera. Library has those but I am sooooooo not going to go there.

PS – Michele tag you are it. You have that other Robin Hood book in your possession and we all anxiously await your review.